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Originally written in 2000 |
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I too saw the website with Bush and Gore's answers, and for a while I was worried. But then I got to thinking, "Hey wait, this is Bush we're talking about. I bet it's all just a big mistake." I envisioned the whole thing as going something like this: ***** Interior Bush's office: The Govenor and several assistants are discussing the campaign. One of the assistants brings up the site with the question, and asks the Gov what he thinks, so he can answer for him. "Gov. Bush, what are your feelings on Wicca? Do you believe that it should be given equal recognition and special protection under the Constitution?" Bush scratches his head and thinks a moment. "Why yes sir, I do. I like Wicca. It's good furniture. My daddy had a wicca chair when I was a boy, and you better believe that it was the most comfortable chair in the house. I wish I had a wicca chair now. All the chairs in this office are too had and uncomfortable. George Washington and Abe Lincoln had wicca furniture. Wicca is an American institution, and anyone who's against wicca, is against the American way of life." Puzzled, the assistant stares as Gov. Bush, who is lost in fond childhood memories. "Uhm, sir, Wicca is a modern Pagan religion, whose practicioners call themselves 'Witches.'" The Govenor's face lights up with glee. "Really? Witches, like at Halloween, and in that movie Wizard of Oz. I like witches, with their funny pointed hats and their scary black cats. Now who would be against witches? Everyone loves witches. . . well, except for Dorothy - she dropped a house on that one witch, and threw water on the other. Oh, my, I see now why they need special protection, now. With all that horrible stuff happening to them. . . " The assistants look confusedly at each other. Bush notices their stunned silence, and begins to worry. Did he say the wrong thing? Oh no, this is just like what happened to Gore at the Buddhist temple fundraiser thing. All these weird religions . . . they're so confusing. How does one tell them apart? But, as long as they believe in Jesus, they can't be all bad, right? What to do, what to do. I can't afford to make a mistake like that at this late hour in the race. Swift, decisive action is called for. . . oh,if only my father were here, he'd know what to do. . . think, think. . . "Uhm, witches are bad. I'm against them." Happy to see that their candidate had finally made a decisive choice (and all on his own, too, they're so proud) they proceeded to write up his answer to the poll. So you see, we have nothing at all to fear from Gov. Bush
becoming President, provided we can convince him that we're
not Buddhists. |
